under ... where?

Time is running out and, as I am sure you can imagine, I have a million and one things to do (most of which should have been done ages ago, of course) that I almost feel guilty for sitting and chilling even for a moment.

However, a friend of mine, who got engaged not long after me, and is getting married a few months after, asked me for some important advice. And since it is really very important advice I thought I should pass what I told her on to any other prospective brides out there.

Now I realise that these interwebbed days, the chances of us betrothed ones getting great, sane, thought provoking advice, if you just go out and look, is improving by the minute.

But this isn't a big issue thing - it's a very small one.

But a vitally important one...

Knickers.


Now I do like good underwear (and yes, that can mean sexy as long it's pretty, not slutty sexy). And everywhere I looked I was presented with prettily presented wedding garments, coyly photographed and usually with fairly hefty price tags attached. So I thought I'd splash out, save up and go superficially lovely with what's underneath. I was thinking Fraya, La Perla, perhaps some cheeky Myla, or maybe that traditional bride stalwart Rigby and Peller. I ooh-ed and ahh-ed in anticipation.

But here's the thing - my dress. My dress is so beautiful and as much as I love pretty little lacy things, I did not want the beauty of my dress ruined by the the dreaded VPL. Oh no.

When I mentioned this to Rachel at my first fitting I was shocked how quickly she answered me.

"Debenhams Invisible Underwear."

Now I know it's not the prettiest - and probably not what your husband to be is hoping to find underneath your petticoats on your first night. But trust me, if your dress is even a little bit form fitting, don't even think about anything else. I mean it - there is nothing more invisible.

And maybe get the saucy stuff out on honeymoon.


first photo from Gilly Hicks. Second via La Perla.
Oh and this is a pretty handy piece of kit too.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder*

*and that includes you sunshine!

OK, so I took some unplanned leave from the world of web but I am back now and full of good blogging intentions! Promise!

But we haven't been slacking on the actual wedding organising at all - though an awful lot of it is logistical or official stuff which is maybe why I have been away from the blog for so long. I balked at trying to make signing forms and paying bills sound romantic or exciting.

Having said that - it suddenly does feel rather exciting. We did our Marriage Care course (obligatory but actually recommended); we've had several meetings with Father John from our parish church (he's nice); we filled in all kinds of paperwork and dug out everything that documented our past (birth, baptism, communion, 25m swimming); we met with a solicitor friend to sign our "Declaration of Freedom" (best pronounced in a Braveheart warble I think); we registered a wedding list (although choosing any gifts is as yet too daunting); we created a very homemade website (actually just a blog in disguise); we researched and contacted every hotel in a 10k radius for our guests; we been keeping track on a super spreadsheet all the messages from friends and family about who was arriving and when. And lots lots more stuff, and as we did these little tasks and chores the magical far off unreal feeling about getting married lessened and the real, practical, solid feeling increased - exciting in a whole new way!

And also ... a bit terrifying. Because it seems that with every task we complete another ten pop up in their place. And thrilled though I am about how many of our wonderful loved ones have booked their flights and hotels I'm getting not infrequent anxiety dreams about them all showing up and there being no food, or pissing rain/hail/snow (it could happen, even in Italy!) or the priest being really horrible (we haven't met the one in Italy yet - eek!) or a power-cut, or or or, I get a HUGE spot! (I have a huge spot - grr)

OK - deep breath - it'll be fine - we're in wine country and our friends are ace - surely a recipe for guaranteed fun., yes?

Yeah, most of the time I do take a deep breath, I read this post on APW, and I smile and look forward to hazy fragrant summer days. And dancing ... and dancing ... and dancing ... with my husband....

Shh, don't tell anyone, but we've been learning to dance - it is soooo much fun - yup, it's not all been paperwork and panic attacks; we've done loads of fun stuff too. More of that to come shortly.

photos via Lanalou and A Foxy Wedding (I think)

Leave it to the master ...

Just read the wisest words From A Practical Wedding

I might just print this off poster size and hang it on the wall - or just keep it folded up in my wallet in case of emergencies!

Meg - you rock. Yeah you do!
I love your wonderful blog and your uncanny ability to put into lucid words exactly what's been on my mind.

Also today a certain someone reminded me what I'm getting myself into. Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I don't know - it's how I feel right now. Via Work is not a Job

What comes after? (a bit of a ramble)

My parents have been happily married for thirty-four years. (N’s have too). They have a great partnership that was unquestionably solid as a rock for us girls as we grew up despite my father often having to be in far-away and dangerous places. I don’t think I ever really heard an argument between them, not ever. They have their little niggles and irritations (usually based around Papa getting deaf and Mama getting blind!) but they don’t shout at each other or bitch about each other. Really not ever.

Yet, although they couldn’t have set a better example to me, I don’t hold them as a blueprint for my own relationship with N. They are them and we are us. Likewise for N; he’s proud of how in-love his parents still are but he doesn’t want to be them. Every relationship is as unique as its individual parts. What is right for them might not make sense to us, with our own particular upbringing, baggage and, let’s not forget, era.

One thing I do think N and I have, for which we certainly have our parents to thank, is a lack of cynicism regarding the institution of marriage. Relationships can last forever; they need hard work, a solid base, support and room to breath but they do work – we have the proof! I feel this belief, especially in this day and age, is a great lesson and a precious gift. I know there are a million different reasons why a couple split up and often it may be for the best, but I also think sometimes it’s the easy route. No that’s wrong, sorry. Not the easy route, but that we’re taught it is the next step when things get hard rather than being taught that true life-long-love is worth fighting for and working hard for.

These ponderings have been prompted by a link posted by one of A Cup of Jo’s guest bloggers in her "Secrets to a Happy Marriage" series. I was so moved by the author’s strength and honesty. It’s easy to look at long and happy marriages with rose tinted glasses but I’m sure every success story has a lot of hard work, individually and as a team, behind it. It’s not sexy and it’s not conventionally romantic but the rewards are so great and that’s what I want to model our marriage on.

No source for these pics as I've had them saved for ages. And yes the last one may be a bit gratuitous but Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward were known as having the longest marriage in Hollywood. Bogard and Bacall is just such a romantic story although I don't doubt they had to work very hard. And as for Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn - well they may never have married but they're my favourites; they just radiate love, respect and fun.

More Awesome Advice

OK, not so much advice as just a really cool thing my boy said to me that made me feel better about a lot of things.

I've bit feeling a bit, sort of, I don't know, weird about wedding planning. For some reason I'm resisting getting excited - as though I don't want the day to be an anticlimax or I don't want to be bored of it before it even happens. Also, there is a little bit of me that isn't sure I deserve a big fuss and so don't want to seem as if I'm making a fuss - does that make sense?
I don't know where these paranoid thoughts are coming from ... it could be slightly to do with the length of our engagement, maybe it's the intolerable Bridezilla label that gets thrown around, or possibly it's someone giving me the exact opposite of good advice who's put these thoughts in my head (I'm not going to dwell on that.) Possibly it's because I'm not really feeling real about it yet - or maybe, the most likely scenario if I'm honest, I'm just over thinking it. (A common failure I'm afraid)

So I let slip some of these thoughts to N and also might have mentioned that I had been "advised" not get overexcited about a one day event because it'll make married life seem disappointing afterwards and it'll drive a wedge between us (yup - still not dwelling...)

N was of course irate - not just on my behalf but also at me for even considering this as a valid opinion. His words, after a bit of swearing were - "do get excited - get as excited as you bloody well want - this is an exciting thing, and it'll only happen once and it's really really exciting!"

Thanks hon!

He also said that if we do get gloomy afterwards, or overwrought before, we'll deal with that when the time comes - and not by imaging it before.

And those are sound words and ones I intend to pay heed to.

Advice

A good few precious pearls of wisdom have come my way over the last six months of engagement (often from the wonderful world of blogs) but recently they have been coming thick and fast from people around me.

I am determined to keep these in mind over the next eleven months (and beyond) so onto the blog they go..

The first is from a colleague who was married at the end of last year. (In fact, I hardly know her - I'm not even sure of her name although we always bump into each other in the kitchen and she's very friendly - I've reached the point where I feel I can't ask anymore!) Anyway, she spotted my ring and after the usual congratulations and when? where? and have you found a dress? questions she said what so many recently marrieds say and which never fails to annoy me - she told me how stressful the few weeks before her wedding were.

Why do almost strangers have to tell you this?

I have felt as though they want to knock my down a peg;
"don't be too excited, don't be too happy"
or they are asking for sympathy for a traumatic event.

My annoyance must have shown on my face because she then said this:

"don't worry, it's good stress - you're organising something so wonderful and anything worth doing is worth getting a bit stressed over. I wouldn't swap those stressful weeks for anything."

How fabulous is that?! Stress gets bad press but she's so right - really it just means you give a damn.

Her name is Jenny - she's worth me making the effort of finding out!